The vulnerable archive.

About four years ago, I got out of a really hard relationship. It had lasted so long that, by the end, I didn't know who I was anymore. So I started looking.

I honestly didn't know where to start. I wanted something as basic as an answer when somebody asked me about myself. So I started collecting pens: “Hey, I'm Estevaun, and I like collecting pens.”

Well, now I had all these pens. Might as well draw with them, right?

Drawing brought me back to songwriting. Songwriting led back to singing. Before I knew it, I was making songs again.

My interest in music never seemed to fully fade away. At a certain point, I wanted to test myself.

I gave myself two weeks. In my head, it was: “If I can't make and record a song in two weeks, then I'm not a real artist.”

That's where “I'll Explain” came from. It became the proof I went back to whenever I doubted myself. I could actually do this. I deserved to keep going and live out my dream.

After that, I kept writing and trying to make songs, but they weren't turning out the way I wanted. I kept trying to jump from level one to level one hundred, and it kept leaving me back at level one.

The biggest bottleneck became finding a reliable producer. I couldn't find somebody who could consistently show up for me, even while paying $100. So I bought my first computer, a microphone, and a controller and started trying to record myself.

I ran into so many issues. I didn't know about latency, so I kept replacing my microphone, thinking that would fix the delay when I recorded.

Little did I know, I just had to change a few settings. 🤦

While I was between microphones, Ableton was still right there. I started making beats to learn how to use it. Eventually, that became fun enough for me to keep learning and growing.

Now I can confidently call myself a producer. That came out of trying to solve the problems I kept running into.

What do you know? Messing around with songs for long enough reminded me that I used to really like DJing. After practicing a few mashups on my computer, I took a leap of faith and got the board.

Now I'm finding my footing as an artist, producer, and DJ.

Through all of that, I've had to learn visuals for my videos. That brought me back to my love of filmmaking, something I'd been thinking about for years.

I've watched a lot of movies. One of the earliest I remember is “Sweeney Todd: The Demon Barber of Fleet Street.” That scene with the woman burning in the oven is still stuck in my head.

The ultimate goal is to build different bodies of meaningful art that come truly from within. I want to reach people, communicate with them, and help them feel less alone.

I want to help guide people through creativity. To be a kind of father figure for some people, and allow other people to be that for me, too.

Creating feels like the one outlet where I can express myself without being disappointed by the answer. A lot of the time, the art is both my question and my answer.

I struggle a lot with self-confidence, identity, communication, and letting people in. Whenever I create something, it's me giving the people around me a chance to step a little closer. Hopefully, I can help someone else along the way, too.

I have a lot of dreams and goals for this studio. I'm currently operating it alone, but hopefully one day I'll be creating with family and friends inside my own creative community organization.